Sunday, December 26, 2010

How can we know?

"How can we know who we really are and what we really want, if we're constantly being told what we should want, and who we should be?"

I'm under no circumstances being rebellious, in fact, that's the furthest thing from my mind. But how do we know .
 1.Who we are
                                   2.What we really want out of life
                                to make our own decisions 
          4.How to get there
              5.that it was our idea

The world (magazines, television, friends,family and ever strangers) all gives us an idea of what a person should become. Its what we take with all that knowledge, and how we mold it into our lives, that we, therefore become that person. But why let someone mold you? Can't we have our own idea from the get go about what we want? 
I work 3 jobs. All of which I don't enjoy.. sure I laugh sometimes and none of them are dreadful and they pay the bills. (with ms its getting harder to work them, but thats beside the point) The point is I've realized since being diagnosed with MS, that I only get one shot at this. One chance for me to be me. For my family and friends and even myself, to know who I really am. Why keep pretending? why pretend to be happy at a job(s) that I don't enjoy, when I could push myself just a little further, and get that one job that I've always wanted. Why keep letting people make decisions for me, when I'm perfectly capable of making them myself? Why do I allow it? Why do I bite my tongue? Why do I act like their servant? Am I not deserving of happiness as well?

questions like these have been bouncing around in my head, with ms being the final diagnoses and the new year almost here, I want things to happen. I don't want to be slowed down. Because now is when things are going to happen. Because who knows what and where I'll be 20-30 years down the road. Looking back (lord willing) wishing I had been tougher then. Wishing I had worked harder then. Because the pain I feel everyday may be nothing to what I may experience in the future. As scary as that sounds, I'm not looking down, I'm looking forward. I'm making a checklist, and its going to be completed. Because I'm the only one that can make it and check it off. Because I own it. Its mine, and no one can take that away from me. 

So in this new year to come, I look forward to organizing my life, and putting it on the path that I decide for it to go. Not someone elses. Just mine.

Because as hard as it may be for me to admit that. I deserve that.



Saturday, December 25, 2010

Ashes Ashes .... "we won't fall down".

Hello All. My name is Ashley. I was recently diagnosed with MS. 
As I sit here and type, my hands are numb. And I can hardly feel them. I'm new to this blogging thing, But I thought it would be a good way for me to get my feels out and not have to hold them in. :) 
"I have MS it doesn't have me"
one of my favorite quotes I've recently discovered. 
My struggle with "ms" has been going on for about 8 months now. When if first started, I noticed things happening... one thing at a time, and slowly at first. One night, I was sitting at home eating dinner, and my hands fell asleep instantly while I was picking my fork up to put it into my mouth. I'm not talking just asleep like I slept on it and its numb. I mean it was a very powerful tingling, and hard to move them. My fingers also at that time would turn blue randomly. I went to the doctor after a while of realizing my new oncoming symptoms were weird.. I was diagnosed with "raynauds disease" where when you get cold or stressed the blood vessels in your fingers as my case is swell up and close off blood supply causing my fingers to turn blue until I am either warm or "un-stressed". 
Well I had a lot of new symptoms after that visit to the doctor.. one by one a new one every day. Anyway after months of trying to get an answer I finally got one. And while it wasn't the greatest, it certainly isn't the worst. I think the saying when life gives you lemons make lemonade, is a great saying.. However I'm going to make pink lemonade, because we all know its wayy better. :) 

I've had a lot of symptoms and difficulties with ms already. If you have any questions feel free to ask me or email me. I would love to get to know some people with ms and talk about the struggles they face from day to day.As well as everyone else of course. 

I hope to hear from you soon!