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Sunday, December 26, 2010

How can we know?

"How can we know who we really are and what we really want, if we're constantly being told what we should want, and who we should be?"

I'm under no circumstances being rebellious, in fact, that's the furthest thing from my mind. But how do we know .
 1.Who we are
                                   2.What we really want out of life
                                         3.how to make our own decisions 
          4.How to get there
              5.that it was our idea

The world (magazines, television, friends,family and ever strangers) all gives us an idea of what a person should become. Its what we take with all that knowledge, and how we mold it into our lives, that we, therefore become that person. But why let someone mold you? Can't we have our own idea from the get go about what we want? 
I work 3 jobs. All of which I don't enjoy.. sure I laugh sometimes and none of them are dreadful and they pay the bills. (with ms its getting harder to work them, but thats beside the point) The point is I've realized since being diagnosed with MS, that I only get one shot at this. One chance for me to be me. For my family and friends and even myself, to know who I really am. Why keep pretending? why pretend to be happy at a job(s) that I don't enjoy, when I could push myself just a little further, and get that one job that I've always wanted. Why keep letting people make decisions for me, when I'm perfectly capable of making them myself? Why do I allow it? Why do I bite my tongue? Why do I act like their servant? Am I not deserving of happiness as well?

questions like these have been bouncing around in my head, with ms being the final diagnoses and the new year almost here, I want things to happen. I don't want to be slowed down. Because now is when things are going to happen. Because who knows what and where I'll be 20-30 years down the road. Looking back (lord willing) wishing I had been tougher then. Wishing I had worked harder then. Because the pain I feel everyday may be nothing to what I may experience in the future. As scary as that sounds, I'm not looking down, I'm looking forward. I'm making a checklist, and its going to be completed. Because I'm the only one that can make it and check it off. Because I own it. Its mine, and no one can take that away from me. 

So in this new year to come, I look forward to organizing my life, and putting it on the path that I decide for it to go. Not someone elses. Just mine.

Because as hard as it may be for me to admit that. I deserve that.

LifeGoesOn
@sh

 

5 comments:

  1. Welcome to the MS blogging community. We're a friendly helpful bunch. Good luck on your journey.
    Judy

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  2. Thanks Judy! To you as well, your poetry is beautiful!

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  3. Hi, Ashley, Welcome to the MS blogosphere. Sorry it takes a rotten disease for us to meet new people!
    Peace,
    Muff

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  4. Welcome @sh,

    You are not alone in your journey, yes, it is an interesting journey, just remember to stay positive as you go on the rollercoaster ride of MS.

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  5. Hi Ashley, Finding the right job is so difficult but it will come your way, just persevere. Take care.

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